So I went on my first ever date last night. If I could live the rest of my life never having to go on one again, I would be a happy woman. Don’t get me wrong- it’s not that I’ve never been with anyone. Au contraire mon frere. I have been in two really long relationships (each one spanning 6 to 7 years). The difference is that I knew both of those guys, hung out with them on a regular basis and had massive crushes on them until I suddenly became their girlfriend. Never had the “first-time” thing before. The awkwardness, the “do you hug or shake hands” feeling, or the “what possible question can I ask next” thought. I can’t believe I got my nails done for this date…. Last night reinforced my belief that I am not a dater, I am a relationshiper. I need to meet someone in my everyday life, develop a huge crush where I imagine all sorts of different situations with them in it, hang out with them, have electric flirtation, and end up being their girlfriend because they don’t want me being taken out by another guy. Where have those days gone?!?!
Afterthoughts October 7, 2008
Start over. Reset to zero. Reboot. Ain’t got no joooob, ain’t got no maaaaan. And I actually am somewhat relieved. Maybe I will find my ideal job where I like my coworkers, feel appreciated, and don’t have to be reminded that I am a rookie every single day of my life. Maybe I will find my ideal man (or he will find me), who loves me, respects me, makes me laugh, and intrigues me with his vast knowledge of things no one cares about but are really cool to know about. He will have a sense of social responsibility, of the whole “I want to leave the world a better place than when I came into it” mentality. A passion for being kind, generous, and selfless. And of course an amazing body with the all-time coveted “V” shape pelvis. Really, am I asking for too much? Ok ok, being that I have gained some weight and lost the flat abs and firm thighs I -and a select few- were fortunate enough to enjoy for 25 years, I will sacrifice the need for the “V” shape pelvis.
In all seriousness, why is it that clarity is only achieved with age? Or maybe it is time that brings clarity with it. Time to figure out what you like, what you don’t like, what you can live with, and what you will absolutely not allow to be a part of your life. For some people, it takes a longer period of time to figure everything out; a lot of time spent hoping that your initial instincts were wrong, that people will change, that somehow everything will turn 180 degrees. The sad truth is that your instincts are rarely wrong, people will not change all too often, and that things just don’t turn 180 degrees. It is the beauty of human nature, of one’s constant ache for their own personal fairy tale, that keeps us hoping and wishing that we are the exception to the rule.
Though things change and nothing is ever the same as it was yesterday, the day I stop hoping and wishing is the day I am no longer my true self, a person who lives in reality but dreams of having everything she always hoped she would have. Maybe I never will have it all, but what I have learned is that only time will tell…
Strange September 22, 2008
So, I have been having thoughts of ending my relationship for oh…3 years? Yup. But I really think I’m ready. I just have to do it. I wish there was something I was angry about, something he did terribly wrong to completely disrespect me and our almost-7-year relationship. But no. He has not done anything that extreme. Nonetheless (yes, I’m an attorney), I am still very angry. It is all the little things he does on a DAILY BASIS to irk me that really pisses me off and leaves me resentful and sad. I am a confident person (most of the time). Yes, I have issues that I am not as confident about, but overall, I think I’m a good catch. Why would someone who loves me want to irritate me and push my buttons?
The last two and a half weeks have been kind of a crystal ball into what single life would (will) be like. Boyfriend was in a different country and we didn’t have much communication. Before he left, I was hoping he would attempt to call me/email me just because he missed me. Although he did call twice- once to tell me he had landed in Russia alive, and the second time in response to a major life catastrophe I had emailed him about- and email a few times, it lacked that je ne sais quoi. It felt like he checked off an “obligations” box each time. In the meantime, I went out with friends I had missed and had not had time to see in a long time, I went to happy hours, dinners, and even to a BAR! All this without having my cell phone attached to me or having to defend why I missed my friends, where I wanted to go, or when I was planning on coming home.
To top things off, his plane landed at 4:30pm but he didn’t even call me until like 8pm. Petty? yes. But out of the ordinary. The first time I saw him, he asked if I had lost weight, jiggled my arm while I was driving, asked me why I hadn’t applied to more jobs, and why I had only worked out 5 times in the past two and a half weeks. Mind you- I had been on 2 different antibiotics back to back for 12 days and was in a lot of pain. But who cares, right? And he checked out every girl who walked by.
I am getting even more annoyed while writing this. I have to stop writing.